Is relationship counseling right for me?

Relationship counseling is right for anyone in a relationship with others, which is arguably all of us. I have seen folks make progress in relationship counseling that they have been striving for in individual counseling for years, so I have unwavering confidence in the process. Sometimes, having a partner or friend in counseling alongside us can help us see wounds (and strengths!) in ourselves that are difficult to recognize on our own. Plus, what is better than having someone you care about do the hard work with you?

Additionally, because I work from a relationship-informed, systems lens, I also can uniquely help you in individual counseling to make relationship progress, even if your partner isn’t in the room. I am not the therapist who will support the idea that you don’t have agency in your relationships and it is solely that you are picking the “wrong” people. I will compassionately hold you accountable to identify your individual areas of growth in connecting with others.

Isn’t relationship counseling only for “unhappy couples”?

Relationship therapy is not only for couples. While many folks do come to me with some concern about their romantic relationships, that is not always the case. I can see parent-child dyads, best friends, business partners, siblings, etc. Relationship counseling was designed to improve folk’s communication and connection—not just romantic relationships.

Relationship therapy is also not just for couples on the verge of ending their connection. Most relationship therapists would agree that we would love it if clients came in proactively rather than reactively. I have worked with individuals who are seeking to strengthen their already healthy relationship and I have met with individuals for a few sessions to identify areas of their relationship that could use some work, even if the relationship is not at its breaking point. When therapy is done from a strengths-based framework, it is not only for times of crisis. It can be just as beneficial for individuals who want to maximize their relationship satisfaction or go from content to more fulfilled and connected.

As our relationship therapist, aren’t you just going to try to make us stay together?

Not necessarily. I am here to help you and your loved ones create relationships where you can feel authentic, connected, loved, and respected. Sometimes, through the process of therapy, folks find that they are better off apart than together. I do not consider this a “failure”, of my clients or the therapeutic process. Successful relationships are broadly defined and certainly not defined by longevity alone. I have facilitated healthy and respectful relationship endings between folks where they learned to grieve and honor the ending, rather than blame one another or lash out. That is a successful therapy outcome in my book. I do not need folks to stay together. I just want my clients to feel confident in their ability to make an informed decision that is in alignment with their values.

I also strongly value autonomy—-meaning I want my clients to feel empowered to make the best decision for themselves and their relationships. I am an expert in the process of therapy and pride myself on being a therapist who is skilled at helping folks find their own answers, but I am not in the driver’s seat of your life. I won’t make decisions about your relationships for you.

Are you going to do more than “just” listen?

While therapeutic listening is deeply powerful and more than just hearing words, I am also not a therapist who will only listen. I like to pose questions, identify patterns, challenge you to consider alternative perspectives, explain what is happening in the session as it happens, and teach you a little bit about relationships and emotions along the way. I am kind and warm, but I also like to hold people accountable in session. I want us to get along with each other of course but our ultimate goal is to help you reach your goals and that requires me to do my job of challenging you.

What if I’m the only one in my relationship who wants to come to relationship counseling?

This is more typical than you think it is. It is not uncommon for one individual in a pairing to be fearful that counseling will only make the relationship worse. From their point of view, addressing conflict might worsen the conflict and therefore they try to avoid it in an effort to “smooth things over.” This viewpoint is usually developed when the individual has had negative experiences trying to work through problems with others. Maybe a parent always blamed them in any given conflict, or another significant caregiver just lectured them and rarely heard them out. A common coping response to this is to just avoid conflict altogether, because, based on past experience, it only ends with them feeling disconnected. This does not make them “bad” or uninterested in connecting. Avoidant coping is just a form of coping with relationship distress that used to work for them, and probably still does, in certain contexts.

My suggestion in this scenario is for the partner who is eager to start relationship counseling to take the initiative and make the appointment. We can talk through each partner’s concerns about relationship counseling in the first session and decide if it is the best path forward from there.

I have heard from friends that relationship counseling only made them fight more. Is this true?

It can be true that at the beginning of relationship counseling, distress, and conflict slightly increases. This is not because relationship counseling is causing conflict, but probably just prompting you to address problems that you learned to avoid or have been too scared to look at alone. Relationship counseling also isn’t all pain and conflict. I get to witness some of the most beautiful moments in session with my clients, where kind words are exchanged and vulnerable truths are revealed that folks have been wanting to hear for years. We cry, but we also laugh. I cannot promise that therapy will not come without some pain, because moving through pain is usually a part of the process. I can promise that, if you fully engage in relationship counseling, you will not have to go through the pain alone and that, by talking about difficult topics and exploring heavy emotions, you can get to a place where you feel more connected, less anxious, and less lonely. I also will offer you and your loved ones tangible skills you can use to regulate emotions and communicate more effectively so we aren’t just opening up wounds without any skills to cope along the way.

Why might you not be a fit for us as a therapist?

I love working with clients from a variety of backgrounds, struggles, life histories, etc. However, that doesn’t mean I am a great fit for every client and one of the most important parts of a relationship with your therapist is feeling that sense of connection.

I am not typically the best for clients who are looking to come in and focus solely on skills or be assigned homework each session. I do a lot of work to increase awareness of how emotional wounds and relationship histories influence relationship functioning in the present. This involves being vulnerable with your partner, talking about aspects of your life story that you might not have shared before, and feeling some uncomfortable emotions. If you are looking for a more skill-based approach, where I solely provide education on communication tips, I probably am not the best fit. I incorporate skills into my work with you but in the context of your emotions, behaviors, thoughts, and relationship history.